Tuesday, January 29, 2002
yesterday i was at the shrink's office, and i remembered how my life used to be entirely about my own sanity. how psychological drugs controlled my fate. how i felt i was spending my time hopping between therapists and hospitals just trying to escape. i wasn't trying to find life, and i didn't think i ever would find a real life. i thought i was lost to that forever. i thought i would always be some crazy bitch just barely hanging on. but for some reason the people around me thought it would be important to hold on. they thought i could be a real person. much as that sounded nice, i didn't believe it and anyway, i was almost afraid of it. wouldn't i lose my understanding of this side of life once i moved on and lived depression-free, hallucination-free, everything? wouldn't i lose what i had determined to be myself? who would i become?
i am who i became, coming out of all that. i am a real person who feels she has a gap in her life the size of manhattan, tearing a year or two out of my life history and my development as a person. i get flashes of what happened and what i felt and who i was then, hitting me in strange places, but i am completely isolated. it is as remembering a movie i watched once that i felt strongly about.
posted by Jenn 12:47 PM
i always think i've improved so much from where i was three years ago, until i realize that i spend my time daydreaming of opening my skin, of death, of letting myself slide back into what i used to be. yes, i've come far in my actions, but in theory, it's unhealthy even to consider harming yourself. i just think of it as a bad habit i've only just overcome.
i am unhappy.
posted by Jenn 12:36 PM
this is here because i need to say things. because i never stop talking and i just wear people out.
posted by Jenn 12:33 PM
